Meet Molly & Deb

On Debbie

She dwells in the corner staring me in the face. I occasionally catch her eye but I don’t have to look intently because I am assured of her presence in my daily breath.

I used to hate her. She stole everything from me – time, relationships, money, friends, career, and health. My hate was so visceral that it added an additional layer of exhaustion. But as she has aged with me, we have mellowed into a resigned understanding that she will always be in the room.

On Debbie and Self-Worth

Like many ailments and life situations, people who have not experienced depression may not realize it lives separate from the human host. As a depressed person, even at my worst, I always felt a positive self-worth. I still become frustrated when others can’t see a distinction between the two. For me, I view myself as the light within my body, not the body itself. Therefore, I have no (severe) emotional connection when my body misbehaves. My self-worth comes from the knowledge that I am inherently good, capable, and approachable. My self-worth possibly more importantly, comes from the idea that I have the capacity for change and the resilience that accompanies that insight. Therefore, as Deb and I travel the slopes and ravines together, I know I will inevitably succeed. Success lies in the eyes of the beholder. I am in control in that regard.

On Melancholia

Today I was at a restaurant and felt tears forming in my psyche – and there was no reason for it. The feeling subsided once the food came, which was a welcomed distraction. The 2011 film Melancholia comes as close as I’ve ever seen to explain my experience with depression. As Kirsten Dunst brilliantly displays, Debbie is not a billow of sadness, but rather a lack of emotion all together. Replaced by emotionless state is this unsettling unveiling of the world as it exists through the eyes of an animal. As Dunsts’ Justine says, “I know things.” I too know things, as do many others locked into this odd telescope by which we see the world. There’s a reason why the great writers and artists have a common theme of mental health issues – the telescope is exposed to them like it is not to others. And with that, some are able to create unique and fantastical expressions of the human experience for which all of us can identify.

On Moving Onto Tomorrow

I’ve learned to go day by day – there is no yesterday or tomorrow for which I can impact in the way I can impact right now. So right now, I chose to breathe peacefully, write diligently, and be soft with myself; to continue, as my friend says, “…to do the gentle work.”

Molly

10/24/18

Journal entry while traveling

Madrid, Spain

“Don't you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can't be exactly who you are.” ― Lady Gaga