Sharing is Caring

It can be very hard to get vulnerable enough to share your deepest most personal experiences with others. It took me a long time to feel comfortable enough to share my story with others. Even those that are close to me. Since I started all this crazy talk, I may as well be the first to share my story. The more we share in regards to mental illness, we open the door to opportunities to teach others to look past the stigmatism and others will see a more raw and personal side of those suffering. There is always possibility for a positive influence on someone who isn't affected by any mental disorders. Here is my hope for that possibility. 

My Journey...So Far

At seven I knew I was different. Different in a way that caused chaos in my head. Thoughts swirling around in my mind dangerously fast, chasing my innocence and happy place farther and farther away, leaving me feeling adrift with no help in sight. How does a seven-year-old figure out a way to fix a problem she has no name for? A problem she can’t verbalize or express to those she knows love her unconditionally. Pushing away from my friends to isolate myself from the uncomfortable feelings I couldn’t place name for, my once bubbly and adventurous spirit went into hiding, leaving me shy and awkward on a good day, scared and sad the rest of the time. 

Seven was the age when I noticed a change in the way my mind processed things. Fifteen was the age I was handed a lot of information to digest and try to understand how to cope with being diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety. Coupled with an eating disorder, working on healing from sexual abuse (which coincidentally began when I was seven…so there’s that), and my indulgence in alcohol and drugs as I tried self-medicating to numb my emotional pain, I was a mess to say the least. My parents opted I participate in a program at a mental health hospital. The stigmatism and judgement I threw at myself internally was painful. If I couldn’t turn to my vices I clung to, how would I cope? 

If you could imagine for a moment, being a fifteen-year-old teenage girl, feeling trapped in a nightmare smothering you from the inside out, with all these reasons for why you are the way you are, but feeling nothing will be able to fix you…it cannot come close to the helplessness I felt back then. 

Music helped me tremendously. Along with the medications I have adjusted a million and one times to find the cocktail just perfect for me and my mental imbalances, I have found music sooths a part of me that is very deeply imbedded in my mind, body, and soul. Will therapy added to that, I have found a healthy balance in my life function in my own “normal”. 

Perhaps I have matured enough to have a better understanding of my mental illnesses, my medication may have contributed to my improvement as well. I have learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but also to embrace it. My mental illness does not define who I am, it’s just one small part of who I am. I have plenty to still learn about coping, healing, and just in general learning about bipolar and anxiety. I battle with control more than the average person, and I still have days where I either can’t get out of bed, or become so manic that I’m incapable of finding rest and retreating from whatever it is I’m focusing all my attention to. 

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to say I lived a good day and gave my best “me”. My children keep me focused on my goal to never give up on myself, because in order to take care of them, I need to take care of myself first. They keep me picking myself up every single time I feel like I’ve failed, just as I have taught them to do as well. Exercising isn’t one of my favorite things right now, but adding that to my life along with healthy eating habits is a good way to help keep a healthy mind. Exercise, music, smiling…pretty basic things I try to do every day. (Some days are harder than others.) Bringing laughter in my life and to those I care about is something I try to do every day as well. I take my role as the funny mom very seriously. As Elle Woods said in Legally Blonde,“Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.”A girl could accomplish a lot of things in her life if Elle Woods would consider writing a how to book. Her words are wise beyond her years.

With the support of my family and friends, I find positives in my life every day, attempting my best to let the negatives stay out of my mind. It works for me most days, thanks to a great therapist, great tools I’ve picked up along this journey, and always with the help of my music. Life is too short to allow myself to get caught up in the bad stuff. My story is unique to me, just like any other person out there searching for happiness, a better tomorrow, a way to fix what feels broken. If by sharing my story helps someone else in any way, gives courage to someone enough to share their own story, to enlighten one person with more knowledge regarding the struggles that come with mental illness and the stigma we deal with, I will feel great joy in that fact. 

And that is what I call crazy talk.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had a love for music. My dad being an avid lover of music himself, would wake us up each morning in the summer by putting one of his records on and cranking the volume up loud. It then continued to play throughout the day and into the evening hours. I think because of that history, music has always been a comfort to me.